Getting Back To Daily Life

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow is 4 weeks since Walter’s birth. That day 4 weeks ago is still so very fresh in my head, but at the same time seems like ancient history. Overall, our family is doing pretty well. The girls still pray every night for baby Walter and that God will take care of him until we get to see him again in Heaven. The questions have slowed down considerably, although we have yet to try and explain the cremation process to them. Every time we go by a graveyard they want to know if there baby brother is buried there. At some point in the near future we need to have this discussion, but I’ve really been putting it off.

 

Thankfully I had 3 weddings of my own along with other photoshoots and weddings that I was helping with to help keep me busy. This week we were camping, a trip we had scheduled back in March. The Lord knew that for me, the best thing is to keep busy, but also have lots of time to spend with my family, especially the girls. I have had a hard time keeping up with the editing portion of my job. That’s a lot of alone time, a lot of time to think and ponder what could have been. I’m not questioning God’s intent, but the mother in me will always long for my baby.

 

I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem scared to talk to me, especially if it involves anything negative or sad. I feel like most of the time people are afraid or waiting for me to completely lose it. I get a little teary every once in a while, but for the most part I can keep myself together.  I know it’s hard to know what to say, there really isn’t anything anyone can say that will make things better. The best you can do is give me a hug and continue to pray for me and my family. I do want to talk about Walter, even though he’s not on this earth, he is still my son. I’m amazed at how many people will talk about just about anything to keep from mentioning his name. Even though he wasn’t full term, he is still my son, I do not want to pretend it never happened and he never existed. His time on this earth was short, but from the time I received the call that the blood test was positive, there was a child inside of me. I may not have been able to feel him move until 15 weeks, but I knew he was there. I have 3 children, not 2. I do not know if we will have another baby, but no baby will ever replace Walter. If we are blessed with another child, then I will have 4 children, 3 on this earth and 1 with his Heavenly Father.

 

So please, do not be afraid to talk to me. Treat me just as you always did. Please don’t avoid me. Getting my life back to normal is helpful for me. I hate walking in a grocery store and seeing people running away from me. You don’t have to say anything to “make it better”,  you don’t have to worry about saying something that may upset me. Trust me, I have heard some dumb comments these past 4 weeks. Talk to me, ask me questions and most of all continue to pray for me and our family. We have felt those prayers and greatly covet them. We love you all and I wish that I had the time to be able to respond to every person that has contacted me, but those numbers have been far to great these past few weeks.

 

Love, Lexi

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11 thoughts on “Getting Back To Daily Life

  1. Your family is continuously in my prayers!! I always enjoy hearing your stories about Walter and seeing his pictures. It is both sad and healing to remember and he will always be a part of our family. Love ya!

  2. “One of the things I always say to every group where I get a chance to talk about my book at all is to say, ‘If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who’s important to them, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that’s a great, great gift.'”

    Elizabeth Edwards, in her Own Words

  3. You, your wife and Walter have given the most important testimony in favor of life since conception. You are in my mind and in my heart (and of course in my prayers too). God bless you all. Your little angel Walter is in Heaven and in our hearts forever.

  4. Lexi-Lady you sound so much like me. I read and reread and forget I didnt write this but I would say the same thing(s). God has blessed you with balance and perception of that balance in your life. You are absolutely right people do go the other way because they dont know what to say, my thought is if tgey would just say hi my mouth would do the talking from there, and I expected yours would too. I wouldn’t rush cremation talk either, they dont have to know. Sometimes its easier on children if you just tell them, we didnt bury him, he is with Jesus, and leave it at that. I’m going to continue to pray for you and your family. We will meet one day, because Jesus know us this I love. Have a great weekend!-Linisa, from Maine

  5. Hey – so glad you are so devoted to the “work”, (beautiful artistry, etc, etc, etc!) put in to Walter by God, by your body… that you will never attempt to “replace” him and that you will always recognize that work by acknowledging his place in your family, whether another child enters your family or not. Bless you – and may others who experience the same take your example and be inspired to do likewise.

  6. I’m so glad to hear God is carrying you through this hard time! It’s been 6 weeks since we lost our daughter at 23 weeks, and I can relate SO MUCH with what you shared here – not questioning God, but longing to have known my daughter; it hurts more when people act as if it never happened; and, our daughter will never be able to be replaced. The quote that Tessa Cox wrote above is so, so true! May you continue to find comfort in the times that you miss Walter the most!

    1. I forgot to mention a song that has become dear to my heart since we lost our daughter is “A Visitor from Heaven” sung by Twila Paris. Look it up on YouTube.

  7. Walter is in Heaven but he is embeded in your heart. 38 years ago we lost our baby of 13 weeks. Had just been to the MD and everything was fine. Had the same experience in the ER as you. MD said that he was doing a suction D and C and I begged him not to. Please don’t!! I wanted to see my baby but he said that there was no baby…just blood..I know better and I look forward to seeing my little girl some day. I always remember her on her expected birthday January 25th. Thank you for sharing Walter’s life. Tears are flowing for Walter and our baby girl right now 38 years later. Prayers for you and your family…. Thank you and God bless you!

    Joyce

  8. I read your story and seen your photos on the Mamamia site in Australia. I think you are very courageous to share these personal moments for people everywhere in the world to view and comment on.
    Our son was still born at 20 weeks so we went through a similar experience. I am sorry for your loss and wish you well on your journey of recovery. Laurel xx

  9. I have just come upon this and am heartbroken to think of what you and your husband have been through. You both seem like very strong people and will be stronger for you two young girls. May God bless you all and may He help you in the months and years to come.

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