It’s hard to believe that tomorrow is 4 weeks since Walter’s birth. That day 4 weeks ago is still so very fresh in my head, but at the same time seems like ancient history. Overall, our family is doing pretty well. The girls still pray every night for baby Walter and that God will take care of him until we get to see him again in Heaven. The questions have slowed down considerably, although we have yet to try and explain the cremation process to them. Every time we go by a graveyard they want to know if there baby brother is buried there. At some point in the near future we need to have this discussion, but I’ve really been putting it off.
Thankfully I had 3 weddings of my own along with other photoshoots and weddings that I was helping with to help keep me busy. This week we were camping, a trip we had scheduled back in March. The Lord knew that for me, the best thing is to keep busy, but also have lots of time to spend with my family, especially the girls. I have had a hard time keeping up with the editing portion of my job. That’s a lot of alone time, a lot of time to think and ponder what could have been. I’m not questioning God’s intent, but the mother in me will always long for my baby.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem scared to talk to me, especially if it involves anything negative or sad. I feel like most of the time people are afraid or waiting for me to completely lose it. I get a little teary every once in a while, but for the most part I can keep myself together. I know it’s hard to know what to say, there really isn’t anything anyone can say that will make things better. The best you can do is give me a hug and continue to pray for me and my family. I do want to talk about Walter, even though he’s not on this earth, he is still my son. I’m amazed at how many people will talk about just about anything to keep from mentioning his name. Even though he wasn’t full term, he is still my son, I do not want to pretend it never happened and he never existed. His time on this earth was short, but from the time I received the call that the blood test was positive, there was a child inside of me. I may not have been able to feel him move until 15 weeks, but I knew he was there. I have 3 children, not 2. I do not know if we will have another baby, but no baby will ever replace Walter. If we are blessed with another child, then I will have 4 children, 3 on this earth and 1 with his Heavenly Father.
So please, do not be afraid to talk to me. Treat me just as you always did. Please don’t avoid me. Getting my life back to normal is helpful for me. I hate walking in a grocery store and seeing people running away from me. You don’t have to say anything to “make it better”, you don’t have to worry about saying something that may upset me. Trust me, I have heard some dumb comments these past 4 weeks. Talk to me, ask me questions and most of all continue to pray for me and our family. We have felt those prayers and greatly covet them. We love you all and I wish that I had the time to be able to respond to every person that has contacted me, but those numbers have been far to great these past few weeks.
I can not even begin to thank everyone for their kind words! I’ve received so many comments on this blog, emails, messages on Facebook and cards. The support is extremely encouraging! I was trying to reply to everyone but I simply can not keep up. I will over the next few weeks try and respond to some of you, but please know that I have read everyone’s messages and they all mean the world to me. I do not see myself as brave, courageous or inspirational. I’m just an ordinary woman, a mother who wanted to write down her story and share a few photos with my friends and family. When I wrote down my story it was never with the intention of trying to get attention or seek sympathy from others. I selfishly wanted to write it down so that my friends and family on facebook could read our story and I would not have to continue to tell all of the details over and over again. It has gotten easier to talk about, but it is still painful. Every time I run into someone that I have a connection with I choke up and try to keep myself from losing it. I have lived in the same small town all of my 30 years, so there isn’t a day that goes by that I see someone that heard about what happened and want a hug and would like to know why. It is amazing that I have such a large family and local community to help us grieve. Now that Walter’s story has reached so far I’ve also gotten support from around the world.
I’ve been amazed at the sense of healing that I’ve gotten from some women who have had the same experience but were never allowed to see or hold their child. Many that were simply whisked away and disposed of as if they were trash. I can not imagine not having the time I did with Walter and now I am even more grateful! I’m thankful that Walter’s photos were such a blessing to some that never were able to see their child and always wondered what they would have looked like. He and they are perfectly formed at less then 20 weeks, just the way God designed them. I’m thankful that my children were able to hold their brother, they still talk about him everyday and greatly miss him. I’m ever so thankful that my husband went to the van to get my camera. I was in such an emotional state and already grieving for my child that I did not want a camera around. Now I can not begin to imagine not having these photos to look at every day. I’m so very thankful that Josh was there to help capture these moments, obviously if I am in a photo I couldn’t be taking it. The best photo that camera has ever captured was taken by my non photographer husband 🙂 I’m thankful for the amazing treatment we received in the OB department and while there will always be “what if’s” in my mind, I do not hate those in the ER. I understand that the ER is an incredibly busy place and maybe I should have made a bigger nuisance of myself, but that’s not my personality. I know that no matter where I had been, if God decided that it was time to bring Walter home to him, He would do that. I could have been in the best hospital in the world and they would not have been able to help me. While we don’t always understand and we ask why, God’s timing is perfect.
Thank you all again for the encouragement. It has been especially helpful for me as I also receive some very negative and nasty remarks from people. I do not like anyone to be mad or upset with me, I am a people pleaser. I have lost some sleep at night after reading some of these remarks. It amazes me how quickly people will jump to conclusions and attack, especially when they can hide behind the computer. So thank you all for continuing to uplift myself and my family in your prayers. We are feeling them and are truly appreciative!
For now it is back to laundry, washing floors and trying to get my preschooler to eat her lunch.
Much Love! Lexi